(Credits for this digi can be found here.)

I posted this on my "regular" blog as well, but I thought it so appropriate to post it here as well. It's a really honest look at how I'd been feeling about my weight issues. Of course, I made this decision to make a change back in January. But this is how I was feeling.

So, how's it been going? Very well!

The only thing that I want to be careful of is that my original intent this year was to make a change in my lifestyle. And if that resulted in weight loss (which it couldn't help but do), then great. But I didn't want to be "on a diet" or make my focus purely weight loss. And I do want to keep that in mind, because I think that may help my past obsessions with that subject keep at bay.

Having said that, I am really LOVING having this weight begin to come off. I'm loving having more energy. I have FINALLY finally begun to work out (thanks to Wii dance dance revolution!). That was just so hard to begin, but the Wii stuff has jump-started my desire to get moving again. I averaged about 5 days of week of working out in March!

Unfortunately, the activity has also woken up the arthritis in my "real" hip (the one that has NOT been replaced). I'm having to take lots of "vitamin i", as I call it (ibuprofen) in order to be able to walk, dance and sleep at night. But I'm really hopeful that as more weight comes off, that will ease up.

I want to step up my walking to more than just the driveway walk now. (Hey, my driveway is a quarter mile one way, ya know!). :) I want to start doing a mile this month. And I'm adding in weight training now. And some abs. And I'd like to do a little pilates or yoga as well. But, if all else fails, I absolutely LOVE love dancing. And it totally brings up my heart rate and makes me sweat. So, I'm okay with that!

So, here's my stats as of this a.m.:
WEIGHT LOST THIS WEEK: 1.5 lbs.
TOTAL WEIGHT LOST: 14.5 lbs.

Yay!

Progress

Up and down. Down and up. It's hard. The reality is that I've lost a total of 13 pounds since January 8th. Unfortunately, I've lost several of those pounds more than once. Dang, I HATE that because they come back in just the blink of an eye.

The good news is that I have started exercising. In a most unexpected way. We got a Wii game system. Then the Wii Fit. And I got the "My Personal Coach" (or something like that) which is actually just a workout DVD for Wii, but it does track not only your progress, but also your intensity level and adjusts it to your own needs. And that's really good.

But, what has really rocked my world has been the Dance Dance Revolution II. Oh my gosh. I have found my exercise DREAM. I've always loved to dance. Modern dance. Ballet. Just plain dance dance. And with this game, I can dance AND burn calories and sweat AND have a total blast. I actually look forward to it. And when I start playing, I just can't stop. I always have to tear myself away. I'm feelin' the energy! :) The ONLY downside is that it's making my hip hurt. I really have to "sandwich" my workouts with Ibuprofen. But I'm hope hope hoping that, as I lose weight, this will improve.

My major challenge right now I guess is the carb thing. I am finding that if I have too many carbs - bread carbs, mainly - I gain weight SO easily. I can handle fruits and vegetables just fine, it's just the starchy stuff. I'm really working to lose right now. I suppose part of it could be that since I'm exercising after being sedentary for so long, I may be gaining some muscle weight. I just have to try to watch it, watch my portions, too and just keep doing the right thing. And not get too focused on the number. This is what I've said all along, anyway.

We're off to NYC this weekend, which will definitely present some eating challenges - you HAVE to eat great food in the city, right? But, there's always PLENTY of walking to do as well, so, hopefully, it will more than even out!

Starting again...

It's been two weeks. A lot has happened. I was already having a bit of a difficult week, and then was going away for the weekend. But that weekend came to an abrupt halt when we got the call that my nephew had died in a house fire. So, no weigh-in last week. No time to get groceries and think sensibly about my eating. I did think about it. But I gave in to cookies and lunch meat and the various tasty but unhealthy casseroles that are so graciously delivered at times like these. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty at the scale this morning. And it wasn't. I gained 3 pounds in two weeks.

But, I feel ready to get back in control of my eating. Ready to track my meals and water and ready to get back to taking a stab at exercising. I don't hate myself. I'm going to love myself by being kind and understanding and encouraging. It's okay self. You had an unusually hard week. Everyone does now and then. You can re-focus.

I can.

Another weigh-in

Pounds lost this week: 1
Total pounds lost: 12

I'll take that. It was a challenging weekend. But I think, overall, I did really well. A pound is good. At least it's down and not up!

I'll have another challenging weekend this coming. We'll be at a celtic music festival and we'll be inside a big convention hall all day. The food is expensive and not healthy. I'm going to bring a few things along, and I'm also going to try to bring in, like, a Wendy's salad or something. I don't want to succumb to just eating crap.

The amazing thing that's happening is that I'm really developing a DESIRE to eat healthy. I don't want to "mess up" my eating habits, my body, by eating crap food. Or even food that's not even that crappy, but just not as healthy as it could be. I'm really evaluating and discerning what I put in my mouth. Because I like this weight dropping off!

Chris made dinner last night and, after I walked away, I thought, "dang. I don't feel good about that meal." He made his mom's recipe of "Waikiki Meatballs", brown rice and roasted carrots. Sounds good enough. The meat was even venison, and that's a good thing. But what I had on my plate was about half a plate of 4 meatballs surrounded by lots of pineapple tidbits and a very few green peppers that was all laden with a sweet/sour sauce; about 3/4 c. of brown rice and then about 1/2 cup of roasted carrots that pretty much had the life sucked out of them. Now, believe me, I am not unappreciative of the fact that Chris made the dinner! But walking away feeling like I ate poorly, I did feel like I had to go back afterwards and make a few requests.

First of all, I want my plate of food to be proportioned like this:

That would be 1/2 veggies, 1/4 meat and 1/4 starch.

Next, or maybe I should have said first, I want to load my own plate from now on.

Finally, when meal planning, there needs to be veggies in abundance! I count on getting most of my veggies in the evening meal. I think I may start planning a salad a day and if it isn't going to be at the evening meal, then I'll have one for lunch. And I told him, let me know if you're having trouble coming up with more veggies. Because I love them and will eat almost any kind (maybe eggplant being the only exception) and I will happily prepare them even for just myself, if needed.

So, hopefully, that's one more piece of education that will be taken to heart around here. For ME, anyway. I have to be in control (in a good way) of what I'm putting into my mouth. Since Chris is definitely not on the same page as I am, I just can't entrust him to be in charge of my plate - or even my whole meal.

Lesson learned.

Weighing in

I've had such a busy week, I haven't been able to post yet the results of my Monday weigh-in. They are:

Pounds lost this week: 3
Total pounds lost: 11

Like, WHEW! It was a rough weekend and, although I felt overall that I handled it really well, I still ate more than I had planned! Parties are HARD!

So, things with Dustin and Emily are settling down a little. There were some apologies - to us and, hopefully, to each other. Dustin is working now - so that will help a LOT, I'm sure. But, we don't feel quite as in crisis as we did last week. Just now, anyway. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Today, I'm having 3 ladies over to play cards all day. It was my responsibility to fix us lunch, so I made an Asian Chicken Slaw and we're having fruit salad with that. Traditionally, we have little snacks available throughout our game play, so I've gotten some things. But I've tried to be careful to choose healthy things. I think everyone will appreciate it. I mean, I know they will, because we're always talking about such things!

So, my biggest hang-up in all of this continues to be the exercising. I mean, here's what typically happens. We had Eva here Sunday night and after I got up and ate breakfast Monday, I HAD to do some things on the computer because we took Eva to the new children's library after lunch. From there, we took her for a bite to eat and then home and then Chris and I went directly to M&M's for dinner. NO time to exercise Monday. YESterday, I had a hair appointment at 11 a.m., so I got out the door early and got my groceries before the appointment, because I had a pedi afterwards and didn't want to get groceries in my flip flops. As it was, I had to stop at Target and Michaels in my flip flops anyway. By the time I got home, I had to put away my groceries and put in some SIStv time and then it was time to fix dinner and then I crashed for the evening (watching American Idol and The Biggest Loser!). So, today, I've gotten up early to wash my hair, fix the asian slaw, clean up the kitchen, living room and bathroom and here I am, waiting for the ladies to come in about 50 minutes. I still need to get my make-up on and then put out the snacks. We play til about 4:30, then Chris and I are going to go to a church dinner and then we have church tonight. Hmmmm. I just made a good decision that doesn't bother me at all. I am NOT going to that church dinner. It's all you can eat - family style. And tonight the meal is turkey and dressing and mashed potatoes and all that. I do NOT want to eat all that. I mean, I really don't! If I thought they would have some vegetables, I'd go. But it will be a starch-fest and I honestly don't want to do it! YAY. Now that's progress!

Anyway, back to the exercise thing. Tomorrow I do our banking and the church banking (as in balancing the checkbooks, paying the bills, etc.). It usually takes me all day. But maybe I can again get up early and start in on it and at least get in a weight work out! That would be great! It's supposed to start "warming up" a bit, too. (A relative term, I know...). I'd venture to say that maybe I can even get a walk in for Friday. That would be awesome!

But, I just don't know what I can do when my schedule is the way it is. I guess time management is key. I mean - I don't even work! It shouldn't be this hard! Oy.

THAT is going to be my focus for the next couple of weeks...

Challenges, but not necessarily physical...

It's been an interesting week. Frustrating. Stressful. Heartbreaking. And while all of those things aren't necessarily physical challenges, they can - and have in the past - affect my eating.

But, I'm really happy to report that they have NOT done so this week so far!

My mom - home for only a week after spending 8-1/2 months in skilled nursing due to a nasty broken leg on which she will never walk again - had a med screw-up somehow. Her Lasix prescription wasn't filled and so she went that first week at home without it and she just filled up with fluid. Now she's back in skilled nursing with pneumonia. Not. good. Damn! She just cannot get a break. It's always something with her. And I used to get ticked and roll my eyes when she said that, but it IS always something with her. And, with her lack of mobility and her age and her diabetes, pneumonia could, well, kill her. I'm going to call her right now and see how she's doing since I last talked to her on Thursday...

...okay, she sounds terrible. When I talked to her Thursday, she didn't cough once. Today she was coughing every other word. And she's not coughing up anything, which concerns me. But she still says she's feeling okay otherwise. But I can tell she's not feeling strong. So now, she has to stay in skilled nursing until not only the pneumonia has cleared up, but she will again have to regain enough strength to do the one-person transfer. Oy.

Then there's the whole Dustin and Emily issue. I can't go into the whole thing here, but this week the issue was that Dustin was re-offered a job at the restaurant Martha is chefing at. And Emily didn't want him to take the job. I must add that Dustin has a wretched work record. He's a GREAT guy, but in the work department, he has not been stellar at keeping jobs. And one of Emily's MAIN concerns has been him getting a job - and rightly so. (He's been working for $10.00/hour at Chris's dad's for a few months, getting the house ready to sell, but that's coming to an end.) Anyway, his "resume" sucks, and so the liklihood of him getting the kind of job offer Emily thinks he "should" be able to get - or whatEVER her reasons are - are not good. So, Dustin was offered this job before and Emily decided he shouldn't take it. Even though Dustin wanted to. Almost a month passed and someone at the restaurant has quit and Martha offered him the job again. And, again, Emily said no. *sigh* This just frustrated the end out of Martha AND Chris and I - and Dustin, needless to say. For whatever reason, he has not stood up to Emily. But Chris and I, with the support of Gary and Deborah (her parents) highly encouraged Dustin to go ahead and accept the job and just tell Emily that he made the decision - in their best interest - to take the job. She was gone yesterday and Martha needed an answer by a certain time yesterday (she'd offered a few days ago) because SHE needed to get this position filled. So Dustin made the decision without telling Emily - until she and Deborah were on the way to the very same restaurant -to meet Chris and I and Dustin and Gary as well. As I predicted, she basically dropped off Deborah and Eva and never came in the restaurant. I'm leaving out lots of details here, but... After dinner and the concert we all went to last night, we took Dustin home, dropping him off and leaving. As soon as we got home, there was a message from Dustin that the house was completely locked up and Emily wasn't answering the door. In the end, he got in through a back window and Emily was "asleep". The whole thing just caused endless angst yesterday - and, well, it's just been a continuation of angst that has been going on pretty much since their engagement (to which we advised that they reconsider and put off).

They both had a ton of baggage coming into the marriage. They need counseling. Dustin is actually getting it now, but Emily refuses. And yesterday, when her mom, Deborah (my very good friend, too - I've known Emily most of her life) told her the hard truth about her attitude, that did not go well either. Chris and I are just so frustrated with her and her lack of taking responsibility for the decisions she's making. She's just torturing Dustin. He's been sleeping on the couch for months (before she even became pregnant, which I don't know how that even happened...). He hands all the money over to her and he has to beg her for every cent. She's dependant on pain killers due to her migraines. She sleeps all the time. She dumps everything (including Eva care) on Dustin as soon as he does come home from work. She makes him clock hours like she's his boss - but then she'll make him come home in the middle of the day because she's had a bad dream. She won't let him in "her" bedroom at the same time as Eva. She rags on him about every little thing. I've seen this girl milk the drama and the physical stuff ever since she was little - and it paid off for her, too. She got to skip school, she got to drop out of high school and was sent to live with her aunt in Chicago instead. She's gotten catered to and pandered and - up until yesterday - no one has had the guts to tell her the TRUTH about some of her actions. And it didn't go down well. Dustin says she will not hear anything about her own self - it's always about what HE's doing wrong. So, my heart has just been breaking for him. Yes, he made the decision to get involved with her and to marry her - against our advice and warnings. But he just loves her. I can see that he really does. It's all so sad. And Chris and I have just felt like we've had our hands tied because she's the daughter of our good friends. It's hard. It's heartbreaking.

All this has come to a boil this week. AND YET - I am managing to continue to eat well throughout it all. That is such a victory for me. Because I'm such an emotional eater. I haven't really been tempted to just sit and binge eat for comfort. I'm so thankful for that. I have no idea where that's coming from. I consider it a gift from God. Plus, I'm really liking seeing those numbers on the scale coming down.

I have a big challenge tonight. Chris and I are getting together with some other couples tonight to play games. And there will be snacks. And not healthy ones, either. I mean, I'm not making anything healthy, that's for sure! :) So I will really have to be careful. Especially since we will be playing games and that will be a time to just sit and eat unconsciously.

I have a plan. And that is to eat three healthy meals today. I've already been drinking my water. And then I will allow myself to have ONE plate of stuff (not piled on, either!) that looks really good to me. So I won't feel deprived.

And then we have a church dinner tomorrow. Which will also provide lots of unhealthy options. And then the superbowl is tomorrow night. And the kids are coming. And Chris is getting snacks. Warning: Danger! I must choose wisely! I must stand back and make choices, rather than just grabbing stuff without thinking. That will be key for me.

I SO want to have a good weigh-in on Monday. So, I'll have my work cut out for me this weekend. Let's hope I don't let all my work go down the drain...

Monday Weigh-in

Today's Weigh-in: - 3 pounds!
Total Loss: 8 pounds!

Okay! I'm happy with this! Especially considering I lost a total of 9 pounds in all of last year. That's kind of where my body settled after making a few (half-hearted, I now realize) changes. So, to be able to lose 8 pounds in 3 weeks is very encouraging. It hasn't been hard. It's just been a matter of focus and keeping motivated.

Today - in just a minute, in fact - I'm going to actually start with the exercising again! This is huge for me. I can't walk outside right now - which is what I really want to do. But I have a ton of videos. I went through them the other day and there is stuff there that I know I can do. At least I can work up to doing them. I'm going to continue to be kind to myself and not push myself to the point of where I'll never want to do it again. At this point I realize that SOME activity is better than NO activity and I just want to get started. Even if I can do 10 minutes worth, that will be a good start for me. I'm going to alternate strength training/core and balance training with aerobic training. So, one day I'll do weight lifting, the next something aerobic, the next yoga, the next aerobic and the next pilates and so on. Yes, I have an ARESENAL of videos!

Soooo - off I go!