Challenges, but not necessarily physical...

It's been an interesting week. Frustrating. Stressful. Heartbreaking. And while all of those things aren't necessarily physical challenges, they can - and have in the past - affect my eating.

But, I'm really happy to report that they have NOT done so this week so far!

My mom - home for only a week after spending 8-1/2 months in skilled nursing due to a nasty broken leg on which she will never walk again - had a med screw-up somehow. Her Lasix prescription wasn't filled and so she went that first week at home without it and she just filled up with fluid. Now she's back in skilled nursing with pneumonia. Not. good. Damn! She just cannot get a break. It's always something with her. And I used to get ticked and roll my eyes when she said that, but it IS always something with her. And, with her lack of mobility and her age and her diabetes, pneumonia could, well, kill her. I'm going to call her right now and see how she's doing since I last talked to her on Thursday...

...okay, she sounds terrible. When I talked to her Thursday, she didn't cough once. Today she was coughing every other word. And she's not coughing up anything, which concerns me. But she still says she's feeling okay otherwise. But I can tell she's not feeling strong. So now, she has to stay in skilled nursing until not only the pneumonia has cleared up, but she will again have to regain enough strength to do the one-person transfer. Oy.

Then there's the whole Dustin and Emily issue. I can't go into the whole thing here, but this week the issue was that Dustin was re-offered a job at the restaurant Martha is chefing at. And Emily didn't want him to take the job. I must add that Dustin has a wretched work record. He's a GREAT guy, but in the work department, he has not been stellar at keeping jobs. And one of Emily's MAIN concerns has been him getting a job - and rightly so. (He's been working for $10.00/hour at Chris's dad's for a few months, getting the house ready to sell, but that's coming to an end.) Anyway, his "resume" sucks, and so the liklihood of him getting the kind of job offer Emily thinks he "should" be able to get - or whatEVER her reasons are - are not good. So, Dustin was offered this job before and Emily decided he shouldn't take it. Even though Dustin wanted to. Almost a month passed and someone at the restaurant has quit and Martha offered him the job again. And, again, Emily said no. *sigh* This just frustrated the end out of Martha AND Chris and I - and Dustin, needless to say. For whatever reason, he has not stood up to Emily. But Chris and I, with the support of Gary and Deborah (her parents) highly encouraged Dustin to go ahead and accept the job and just tell Emily that he made the decision - in their best interest - to take the job. She was gone yesterday and Martha needed an answer by a certain time yesterday (she'd offered a few days ago) because SHE needed to get this position filled. So Dustin made the decision without telling Emily - until she and Deborah were on the way to the very same restaurant -to meet Chris and I and Dustin and Gary as well. As I predicted, she basically dropped off Deborah and Eva and never came in the restaurant. I'm leaving out lots of details here, but... After dinner and the concert we all went to last night, we took Dustin home, dropping him off and leaving. As soon as we got home, there was a message from Dustin that the house was completely locked up and Emily wasn't answering the door. In the end, he got in through a back window and Emily was "asleep". The whole thing just caused endless angst yesterday - and, well, it's just been a continuation of angst that has been going on pretty much since their engagement (to which we advised that they reconsider and put off).

They both had a ton of baggage coming into the marriage. They need counseling. Dustin is actually getting it now, but Emily refuses. And yesterday, when her mom, Deborah (my very good friend, too - I've known Emily most of her life) told her the hard truth about her attitude, that did not go well either. Chris and I are just so frustrated with her and her lack of taking responsibility for the decisions she's making. She's just torturing Dustin. He's been sleeping on the couch for months (before she even became pregnant, which I don't know how that even happened...). He hands all the money over to her and he has to beg her for every cent. She's dependant on pain killers due to her migraines. She sleeps all the time. She dumps everything (including Eva care) on Dustin as soon as he does come home from work. She makes him clock hours like she's his boss - but then she'll make him come home in the middle of the day because she's had a bad dream. She won't let him in "her" bedroom at the same time as Eva. She rags on him about every little thing. I've seen this girl milk the drama and the physical stuff ever since she was little - and it paid off for her, too. She got to skip school, she got to drop out of high school and was sent to live with her aunt in Chicago instead. She's gotten catered to and pandered and - up until yesterday - no one has had the guts to tell her the TRUTH about some of her actions. And it didn't go down well. Dustin says she will not hear anything about her own self - it's always about what HE's doing wrong. So, my heart has just been breaking for him. Yes, he made the decision to get involved with her and to marry her - against our advice and warnings. But he just loves her. I can see that he really does. It's all so sad. And Chris and I have just felt like we've had our hands tied because she's the daughter of our good friends. It's hard. It's heartbreaking.

All this has come to a boil this week. AND YET - I am managing to continue to eat well throughout it all. That is such a victory for me. Because I'm such an emotional eater. I haven't really been tempted to just sit and binge eat for comfort. I'm so thankful for that. I have no idea where that's coming from. I consider it a gift from God. Plus, I'm really liking seeing those numbers on the scale coming down.

I have a big challenge tonight. Chris and I are getting together with some other couples tonight to play games. And there will be snacks. And not healthy ones, either. I mean, I'm not making anything healthy, that's for sure! :) So I will really have to be careful. Especially since we will be playing games and that will be a time to just sit and eat unconsciously.

I have a plan. And that is to eat three healthy meals today. I've already been drinking my water. And then I will allow myself to have ONE plate of stuff (not piled on, either!) that looks really good to me. So I won't feel deprived.

And then we have a church dinner tomorrow. Which will also provide lots of unhealthy options. And then the superbowl is tomorrow night. And the kids are coming. And Chris is getting snacks. Warning: Danger! I must choose wisely! I must stand back and make choices, rather than just grabbing stuff without thinking. That will be key for me.

I SO want to have a good weigh-in on Monday. So, I'll have my work cut out for me this weekend. Let's hope I don't let all my work go down the drain...

Monday Weigh-in

Today's Weigh-in: - 3 pounds!
Total Loss: 8 pounds!

Okay! I'm happy with this! Especially considering I lost a total of 9 pounds in all of last year. That's kind of where my body settled after making a few (half-hearted, I now realize) changes. So, to be able to lose 8 pounds in 3 weeks is very encouraging. It hasn't been hard. It's just been a matter of focus and keeping motivated.

Today - in just a minute, in fact - I'm going to actually start with the exercising again! This is huge for me. I can't walk outside right now - which is what I really want to do. But I have a ton of videos. I went through them the other day and there is stuff there that I know I can do. At least I can work up to doing them. I'm going to continue to be kind to myself and not push myself to the point of where I'll never want to do it again. At this point I realize that SOME activity is better than NO activity and I just want to get started. Even if I can do 10 minutes worth, that will be a good start for me. I'm going to alternate strength training/core and balance training with aerobic training. So, one day I'll do weight lifting, the next something aerobic, the next yoga, the next aerobic and the next pilates and so on. Yes, I have an ARESENAL of videos!

Soooo - off I go!

Motivation and stuff

That's a "vision board" I made for the LY'09 class. For now, I've just put together a whole bunch of affirmations that really spoke to me out of a recent magazine (Body & Soul) that I read. I made it so that I could use it as a background for my computer's desktop. And that way I'll see it numerous times a day. I'm hoping those affirmations will infiltrate and take over my brain and help me start acting like the healthy, fit person I am on the inside!

It's been a challenging week. I got pretty 0ff-balance with traveling last weekend and not really having full control over my eating. And then I came home with a slight tummy thing. It's amazing to me how not feeling well just makes me want to forget about the whole thing and just comfort myself. Well, part of it - a BIG part of it - was also that coming home from the weekend away, there wasn't any fresh food left and I wasn't feeling well enough (nor did I really have the time) to go get any.

But all of that is opportunity to learn and make changes. Like, I really, really need to have meal plans in place. I'm just not good at winging it. And, well, if there isn't a piece of fruit in the house, there's no making up for that. I've got to get groceries weekly - even if that means giving Chris a little list of stuff to pick up at the sub-par grocery store that he passes on the way home from work. It's better than nothin'!

And, of course, not feeling well, having a new collection to work on and just playing catch-up for my time away has provided ample excuses for not doing the workout thing (again) this week. For reals, though - I HAVE to get my energy up for that. I am feeling better now AND - while out on a date last night - I noticed that I can walk in at least one pair of shoes without my broken toe hurting. The shoes I wore to travel in were good, too, but I couldn't wear them in snow since they're kinda like slides. But I got my snow clogs on last night and could walk comfortably - finally! So, I'm hoping I can get my feets into sneakers next week. (I don't really want to try to exercise wearing my slippers that keep flying off me feet. Or snow clogs. Unless I'm going to walk up the driveway, which, in 20-degree weather, I'm not.)

Successes: There have been some this week!

I've been doing really well at not finishing everything on my plate - being more aware of my "fullness" level and really listening to my brain signals. And where I've had meals that weren't really the healthiest, I've felt really good about only eating about 1/2 of the portions. YAY!

I'm getting at least 2 bottles (16 oz. bottles) of water in. Okay, sometimes, I'm hitting it at night in front of TV, but I am getting it in. My problem is nursing my coffee way way too long (like, until it's officially "iced" coffee!) and not starting with the water soon enough. And I also get busy (especially when I'm scrapping) and just don't drink. Not that I don't like to drink it. I do. It's definitely my drink of choice. 3 bottles a day is my goal. So I want to work next week at getting done with that first bottle before noon. But it is going down. Which makes everything flush out nicely.

And, I've also adjusted my daily eating when I know I'm going to either eat out or eat something not as "fresh" as I'd like it to be (i.e. creamy casseroles and the like). By fresh I mean food in it's most natural state. Like a slab of meat and a salad or veggies. Rather than combining it all in a casserole or having something like fish and chips (like I did last night for dinner at the Irish restaurant. Hey. It was an Irish restaurant, okay?). And by adjusting, I mean that I'll either be very careful of what I have for breakfast and lunch - or I'll even skip lunch. Which I don't really think is the best idea. I think I really need to be eating 3 meals or else I could end up way overeating at that last meal of the day. But, I did adjust and eat less earlier in the day. And I made sure I had a heaping salad and a smaller main portion.

So, tomorrow, we're having the visiting missionaries at our church over for lunch after church. Since they have 3 children with them and we have Eva with us, we decided to have pizza. I added a veggie tray and that will be good. Then we're going to M&M's for dinner, so, hopefully, there will be veggies there.

I really could use some encouragement on the scale Monday, soooo - I'm going for it!

Back to it

I'm revitalized, refreshed, renewed. My computer has been down. (And it is also now revitalized, refreshed and renewed! Heh!) I've been away.

I was away over the weekend - having a GREAT time with my Fashionista buddies - and I got back at 2:30 this a.m.

TODAY'S WEIGH-IN:
I re-gained a pound.

I'm okay with it. I was faced with a LOT of temptation this weekend. I found myself unconsciously eating stuff I "shouldn't" have. And I found myself consciously eating stuff I "shouldn't" have as well! I have more problem with the 1st than the 2nd. And then there's the whole airport food issue. Ugh.

But, all in all, I am really happy with SO many of the choices I made this past week. Like making sure I had fruit every day at the retreat. And getting a value meal at Burger King (airport last night at 9 p.m.) and only eating about SIX - yes, six - fries. And only eating 1/2 of my chicken and dumplings at Cracker Barrel yesterday (and ALL of my green beans). Okay, I could have chosen to eat salad at both of those last two places, but I know I would have felt deprived. And at the retreat, I totally made sure I only ate when I was hungry (except for when I caught myself eating pretzels unconsciously, as mentioned before, and then I STOPPED!) and I did REALLY well at eating small portions. I ate some greasy, lovely food. YUM. But, so, I knew I would probably not have a loss this week. (I only pretty much have to LOOK at certain foods and I'll gain weight!). But overall, I'm really really proud of myself.

And today is a new day. I will not and do not feel guilty. I knew it would be hard going in and I made some choices ahead of time. I feel like I stuck with them. So. I'm feeling all full of motivation and love and rest and I'm rarin' to go. I'm even going to start incorporating some exercise in today. If it kills me. Which, it won't.

One Week Down

I had a really good week!

I feel like I'm making some positive changes and, Lord knows why, but it's coming from a place of "I want to" rather than "I have to". ("Have to", as in pressure from without rather than from within.) And that has made my week relatively easy. Also, I'm not being like a nazi with myself. One benefit of being my age is that I feel like I really know by now what I need - and what I need to avoid. For instance - we went out to eat Friday night. And I decided to order what I really wanted. BUT - I asked for a "to go" box right away and immediately put 1/2 in there so I wouldn't eat any more than that. AND I chose (without much pain at all) to NOT have any of the bread offered. And no dessert. And I felt completely satisfied and not at all deprived afterwards. And I feel good about myself because I feel that I made responsible choices.

My computer is in the hospital. Chris took it in on Friday and he called the place this a.m. and they couldn't say when it would be ready to come home. Oy. That means my online activity will be greatly reduced since Chris will be taking this laptop that I'm presently on to work with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And I'm out of town next Friday-Monday. HOPEFULLY I will come home to a healed computer happily awaiting my use. Because I find it ever so much easier to journal this way than to write it out by hand.

I made a decision to take weekly photos of myself last week. But this week, I've decided to make those photos MUCH more revealing of what lies under those baggy clothes. I will still take a fully clothed pic once a month. But on the in-between weeks, I'm going to take photos weekly in my skivvies. Wow. It's hard to fathom that there will be such photos in existance. I'll have to hide them on my computer under something called "Jan's favorite chick flicks" or something similar that Chris will never want to open. (Kinda like putting your chocolate stash in the fridge in a container labeled "spinach".) I will NEVER EVER post them on here - until, of course, I start lookin' like a hot gramma. :) I probably won't even print them out at all, but just store them in a private area for my eyes only. But - my point is - I will be much better able to not only be reminded of what I do NOT want to look like, but of how well I am doing. Because it will show up eventually.

And that brings me to
today's weigh-in.
I lost 6 lbs. this week.
YAY! Now, I fully realize that I have a whole lot of weight to lose (at least 100 lbs.), and that most of that is probably water loss. But still. The loss encourages me to keep going.

But I do want to say that I do NOT consider those numbers to be the only gauge of the success of my week. There is so much more involved. I want to try not to focus on the numbers too too much. I want to focus on the REAL end result, which is to BE A GOOD STEWARD of my body.

Tomorrow or Wednesday, I will post my "official" goals and my personal contract.

(Click on image to make larger). That's a divider from my journal. I'm using one I got at Target. It's made by Mead. I only say that b'cause it's a pretty cool binder. It has 5 divider pages and 2 of them have these cool see-through envelopes on there and you can slip a paper behind the envelope and into the corner, as I have done, above. I used that paper and some labels to put together a collection of my goals for the year. I've really tried to keep them all very measureable. I find goals like "be nicer" or "eat healthier" not only too vague, but it's really hard to know when you've actually accomplished them. And I DO plan on rewarding myself when I accomplish my goals.

Another thing. These are lifetime goals. I don't plan on doing them for just a little while. I don't plan on doing them just until I've - I don't know - lost all the weight? No. Because "losing all the weight" really isn't my goal. My goal is to change my lifestyle. And what will happen will happen. If I'm repeating myself, it's so that I learn to get it!

And one last thing about those goals. They're goals. They're what I'm reaching for. I don't expect myself to, say, walk 5 times a week next week. But by the end of, like June, I certainly should be. Some of those goals need to be taken in baby steps. (no pun intended.)

I'm doing GREAT with the food and the reading and the water today! I knew I wouldn't be able to walk today. My toe still has a ways to go before it can get comfortably into my sneakers. But the food is going great! And speaking of which. I'm starving. I have NOT had dinner yet. (My computer is sick and I'm preparing it to take to the hospital tomorrow...) So I'm off to eat. NOW!

Dang. It's been another really difficult day. First of all, my computer is going crazy - freezing up - and I have to keep re-booting. And I've had to spend some time trying to figure out what in the heckfire is going on. There's hardly a thing I can think of that I hate more than having my computer mess up. But - at least I can work at it and save things when it's behaving. But I'm afraid it will have to go to the hospital Friday, so I may be unable to post as much.

I've also been working on finishing up setting my goals and finishing my journal and NOW I feel ready - really ready - to begin. Yes, I am one of those people that must have all my ducks in a row before I start stuff. But now I'm ready.

Another thing that delayed the process is the angst we're feeling around here because my darling newlywed son and his wife and just having some major struggles. This is something that Chris and I could foresee. We counseled them to wait to get married. But, no surprise, they didn't listen and their lives are turning upside-down. AND they're pregnant. So my son spent last night - and is spending tonight - here with us. I guess it's a sign of the times that the only way they are communicating right now is via texting. But at least they ARE communicating. I didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. last night (I mean this morning) and I know it's just because I have ALL this stuff on my mind. The LY'09 stuff, the computer stuff, and their stuff. Oh, and I had some of my own miscellaneous stuff before all that, too.

We had an ice storm today. Our driveway is again a sheet of ice. I guess I'm going to have to implement a "Plan B" for when I'm not going to be able to go out and walk - my preferred form of exercise. I like yoga, but that's not aerobic or muscle-building. I like lifting weights. I'll have to think about that one. But, I have to say, my broken toe is not sneaker ready, anyway. I think it's getting there. I can get around pretty well around the house - in my slippers! :)

Here's my report for the day, since I haven't started it in my journal yet:

Water: I've probably had about 1-1/2 16 oz. bottles. Not good. TOMORROW I'm ready to start concentrating on that.

Breakfast: exact same as yesterday - two cups of coffee with a creamer each and a scant spoonful of sugar; two whole wheat cinnamon toast with a tsp. of butter each and a skim milk string cheese stick.

Lunch: Huh? Lunch?

Dinner: Okay, at around 6:30 p.m. I had a Marie Callendar's Chicken Pot Pie. Well, at least it had vegetables in it.

Snack: I just had about 3/4 cup of cottage cheese and a granny smith apple, skinned. (They were a little old - just a little. Nothing removing the skin didn't take care of.)

TOMORROW I am ready to really focus on putting my feet down on the yellow brick road.

Here's the Daily Food Diary I made. I tried to find a suitable one online and couldn't really - and kept getting frozen up anyway, so made my own. At least I could save it every 3 seconds. Anyway, here it is:

Feel free to right-click on the image and copy and print.

Oh! And I added a playlist on the left margin. I got that song idea from a SISter and I thought it would be cool to add songs that are inspiring, relevant, whatever. And I'm open for suggestions.

So - no 5 a.m. for me tonight. I'm off to bed!

Okay, that's my "start" photo. Obviously, I didn't feel the need to get dressed up before I took it - stained t-shirt and all. oy. But, that's me, and I thought it was a good representation of what I look like at home most of the time. Mainly because this IS what I look like at home most of the time. Somebody call "What Not to Wear" - PLEASE!

As far as the journey goes, I had a great day and a horrible day. I did not eat well. I didn't do BAD, but I didn't even start drinking water until about 6 p.m. when my son came in and I sat down to talk with him.

Here's what I ate today:

breakfast @ 9:30:

• my usual 2 cups of coffee, each with 1 of those little creamers (vanilla - i.e. sweetened) and each with a scant spoonful of regular. (I quit the Splenda a month or so ago and now I'm working on losing the sugar all together. But I'll keep the creamer, thank you very much.)
• 2 pieces of whole wheat cinnamon toast (instead of my usual 3)
• 2 pats of butter
• 1 skim milk string cheese stick (instead of my usual 2)

food @ 5:30 because I was too into what I was doing to stop and eat when I was starving:

• microwave chicken and potato CRAP that I grabbed out of the pantry

late snack @ 11 p.m.:

• large granny smith apple I couldn't finish
• about 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (MUCH less than I'd normally have)

I should have started water MUCH sooner and I really really need and want to get my meals for the rest of the week planned and then go shopping. Or else this is what I tend to do.

HOWEVER, I spent most of the day working on my journal. Printing stuff out. Making goals. Making log sheets. And making this:

I didn't make that as an inspiration page or as some kind of warning. I just was looking at my old photos and I felt like it. But I did learn something, so the process was useful. It was interesting to see all the changes - in EVERYthing. Especially my hair! Wow. And, obviously, my body, too. And it's interesting to me, and kind of sad, that I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it. I'm NOT planning on getting bigger. But other things could happen. I could have a stroke. I could get hit by a car and end up a parapelegic (I've been watching too much "Trauma: Life in the ER".) My little toe that's broken might never heal. You just don't know. And that's the lesson for today that I want to take away:

Love the body you're in while you're in it because you don't know what the future holds and because it's the only one you've got at the time.

I wasted so much time not loving what really really needed to be loved. I did not treat my body well. I didn't appreciate all it was able to do with ease. I didn't appreciate my mind. I didn't use my mind! I didn't appreciate the gift God had given me. I lent it out, put crap into it - ate crap, used crap, drank crap - I was wreckless and was not a good steward with it. And that brings me to a whole 'nother thing. The whole spiritual side of all of this. God created me. He loves me. I am unique to Him. I have a responsibility - a response actually - to Him that needs to be mindful of what HE thinks of me and what HE created me for and what HE gave to me. Such a perfect verse to be thinking about through this journey is:

I Corinthians 6:19 and 20: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I'm glad I went there. That helps me solidify my goals.

My Story

I'm here because of this class. Which, if you're here, then you probably already know that. Heh. But I just want to thank you, Ashley Wren, for doing this class and for all the love and thought that I know you've put into it. I figure I at least owe it to you, the other class members - and especially to myself - to be honest. Not that I'm a dishonest person. Hardly. I'm very honest. But not always unguarded. Yeah. I'm very guarded. Intimacy is a big issue for me. And I am pretty sure that's how I got this body.

I'll spare the gorey details, but I - and my sisters - were sexually abused by my father. For me it was from about 8 or 9 until I was a young teen and finally had the guts to say no. My sisters didn't have as much guts and paid the price. To this day, I'm the gutsiest sister. To this day, we've only talked about it together at length ONCE. My younger sister passed away 12 years - oh my gosh - 12 years ago TODAY as I write this. Wow. She had cancer. But that's another story. My older sister and I have talked about it a little more, but not much. I've gotten tons and tons of counseling and feel like I've talked ad nauseum about it. But - I needed to. I feel like I've forgiven my dad - who passed away in 1990 without he and I ever speaking about it - ever. He never said I'm sorry and I was never able to confront him. My forgiveness of him was for ME, not for him. And came as a result of my faith and the forgiveness I found in Jesus Christ. And, after all this time, I finally quit being angry at my mother about 2 years ago. Long haul. But here I am.

What does all this have to do with being fat? Does it, even? Well, dangit. I like to think I'm a SURVIVOR and not a VICTIM. And I don't like to blame my present behavior on my past circumstances. Because I AM a grown-up now. And I DO make choices for myself. I am NOT wallowing in my past and blaming every little mistake I make on my traumatic childhood. But (you knew there'd be a "but", huh?), I DO see some patterns that have formed over my lifetime and, being the analytical person that I am, I see some connections. I do. I know they're there. But what I seem to have a hard time with is applying that knowledge to changed behaviors.

Here are some of the patterns:

1. Addictions. In the psychological sense, anyway. Let me name the many: boys, "love" (i.e. looking for it in all the wrong places), approval, escaping via recreational drugs and alcohol. Those were the ones beFORE I became a Christian. After that, they moved to more "acceptable" or less "sinful" addictions (but, oddly, much more physical): bingeing, bulimia, FOOD, sugar. I think this is allllll about numbing pain. As I began to finally deal with my past after I became a Christian, I began sedating myself in a less noticeable way. Except after "x" amount of pounds, I guess it wasn't so unnoticeable anymore.

2. Dieting. Oh, the many, many diets I've tried. And, not surprisingly, I was always able to lose some weight. When I graduated from high school, I weighed 129. (I'm 5'8") Before I had my 1st baby, I weighed 139. I could have lived with that. I remember, after I had my 2nd baby, weighing 167 and thinking - and feeling - that I was SO fat. Oh, lawdie be, what I would give to weigh that now. But, alas, that's 100 pounds away and that's all I'm saying about those numbers. Here's how long I've been "working out" ladies - I started when exercises weren't on DVD's or videos, but on records. Yes. LP's. Isn't that a hoot? And then came Jane Fonda. And then the industry exPLODED! I did it all - weights, step classes, jogging, hiking, backpacking, The Firm - honey, I could work OUT! But I never really had my eating under control. Unless you want to call bulimia control. Oh, I'm a Weight Watcher's lifetime member. I lost all my weight - and became bulimic doing it. After months of torture and self-loathing and counseling, I finally was able to overcome that. I tried WW again and as soon as it got hard, I started up with laxatives. And that takes me to the next pattern...

3. Black and white thinking. Perfection. Control. Whatever you want to call it. When I commit to something, I seem to have the kind of thinking that I must do it just right, all the time, or else I've failed. So, I could do the diets really well. But when it got hard and I cheated, well that would turn into a binge and then I would want to get it out of me and so I started the bulimia and then the laxatives. And on and on. As soon as I tell myself I "can't" have something, this mentality kicks in before I'm even aware of it. And when I find myself really craving that thing I've said I'm going to "never have again", then I realize what my mind is doing.

So, what have I learned from all this? All of those things really go together. It's all about using food to fill the gap. Comfort, zoning out, a little buzz, whatever. That's how I get my kicks. I think - now get ready for some real analysis here - it's because I have a fear of intimacy and the fat is a protective layer. Of course, it's a conundrum, because I also HATE the fat. I hate it on me. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it limits me. I hate the way it controls me. I hate that I succumb to it. And I hate that I let myself hate myself this way. Annnnnd, that's how I think it all relates to the childhood crap.

So. I KNOW this. But I can't seem to get a grip on it. Or, at least, I haven't been willing to try lately. Because I'm just done with dieting. I'm done with having it consume every minute of my day. I'm done with denying food and then wanting to binge on it. I'm done with obssessing (the black/white thinking thing) over fat grams, calories, carbs or whatever thing they're going to think of next that you have to count. I'm DONE DIETING. Dieting has made me as fat as I am. Because I've lost and gained more - a gazillion times. I will NOT go that route. And, so, I stay away from those conversations. I understand the way my mind works and my issues with food addictions and eating disorders. I've tried to just accept me the way I am. But I want more. I know there's a healthy woman trapped inside this body. I'm just afraid. Afraid of getting into it all again. And I won't go there.

So, where does that leave me and why am I here?

My approach must be this: I want to make healthier choices. And what will be, will be. If I choose to eat healthy foods in moderate portions and go for regular walks and never lose an ounce of weight, then so be it. I don't really think that will happen, but my focus must be on changing my lifestyle, not on dieting. I'm in a place where I want to make a more conscious effort at this. I began making some postive changes last year and actually lost some weight that has stayed off. But, again, losing weight will not be my focus.

I love that this class is named "Loving Yourself" in '09. And I love the format of the class and how it will be motivating, yet introspective. Because I don't think I have yet fully made the connection with why I do what I do. Or maybe I have and I'm just being lazy and making excuses. WhatEVER. I think the approach of an interactive journal with a good support system is a great way to go. And that's what I'm signing up for.

I've got my very plain (so far) journal notebook together. I think there are things that I'm going to want to do in there that I wouldn't do here. But, I'm planning on blogging my way through, too. And posting my photos here as well as internet resources. And links to my support system - YOU! I think this is a great way to go, for me.

Wow. If you read this far, then God BLESS ya! And thanks. Now you know where I'm coming from and, just as I've read your stories, I think it helps us all to support one another when we know where we've been, where we're at and where we're going.

I'm looking forward to going there with all of you...