My Story

I'm here because of this class. Which, if you're here, then you probably already know that. Heh. But I just want to thank you, Ashley Wren, for doing this class and for all the love and thought that I know you've put into it. I figure I at least owe it to you, the other class members - and especially to myself - to be honest. Not that I'm a dishonest person. Hardly. I'm very honest. But not always unguarded. Yeah. I'm very guarded. Intimacy is a big issue for me. And I am pretty sure that's how I got this body.

I'll spare the gorey details, but I - and my sisters - were sexually abused by my father. For me it was from about 8 or 9 until I was a young teen and finally had the guts to say no. My sisters didn't have as much guts and paid the price. To this day, I'm the gutsiest sister. To this day, we've only talked about it together at length ONCE. My younger sister passed away 12 years - oh my gosh - 12 years ago TODAY as I write this. Wow. She had cancer. But that's another story. My older sister and I have talked about it a little more, but not much. I've gotten tons and tons of counseling and feel like I've talked ad nauseum about it. But - I needed to. I feel like I've forgiven my dad - who passed away in 1990 without he and I ever speaking about it - ever. He never said I'm sorry and I was never able to confront him. My forgiveness of him was for ME, not for him. And came as a result of my faith and the forgiveness I found in Jesus Christ. And, after all this time, I finally quit being angry at my mother about 2 years ago. Long haul. But here I am.

What does all this have to do with being fat? Does it, even? Well, dangit. I like to think I'm a SURVIVOR and not a VICTIM. And I don't like to blame my present behavior on my past circumstances. Because I AM a grown-up now. And I DO make choices for myself. I am NOT wallowing in my past and blaming every little mistake I make on my traumatic childhood. But (you knew there'd be a "but", huh?), I DO see some patterns that have formed over my lifetime and, being the analytical person that I am, I see some connections. I do. I know they're there. But what I seem to have a hard time with is applying that knowledge to changed behaviors.

Here are some of the patterns:

1. Addictions. In the psychological sense, anyway. Let me name the many: boys, "love" (i.e. looking for it in all the wrong places), approval, escaping via recreational drugs and alcohol. Those were the ones beFORE I became a Christian. After that, they moved to more "acceptable" or less "sinful" addictions (but, oddly, much more physical): bingeing, bulimia, FOOD, sugar. I think this is allllll about numbing pain. As I began to finally deal with my past after I became a Christian, I began sedating myself in a less noticeable way. Except after "x" amount of pounds, I guess it wasn't so unnoticeable anymore.

2. Dieting. Oh, the many, many diets I've tried. And, not surprisingly, I was always able to lose some weight. When I graduated from high school, I weighed 129. (I'm 5'8") Before I had my 1st baby, I weighed 139. I could have lived with that. I remember, after I had my 2nd baby, weighing 167 and thinking - and feeling - that I was SO fat. Oh, lawdie be, what I would give to weigh that now. But, alas, that's 100 pounds away and that's all I'm saying about those numbers. Here's how long I've been "working out" ladies - I started when exercises weren't on DVD's or videos, but on records. Yes. LP's. Isn't that a hoot? And then came Jane Fonda. And then the industry exPLODED! I did it all - weights, step classes, jogging, hiking, backpacking, The Firm - honey, I could work OUT! But I never really had my eating under control. Unless you want to call bulimia control. Oh, I'm a Weight Watcher's lifetime member. I lost all my weight - and became bulimic doing it. After months of torture and self-loathing and counseling, I finally was able to overcome that. I tried WW again and as soon as it got hard, I started up with laxatives. And that takes me to the next pattern...

3. Black and white thinking. Perfection. Control. Whatever you want to call it. When I commit to something, I seem to have the kind of thinking that I must do it just right, all the time, or else I've failed. So, I could do the diets really well. But when it got hard and I cheated, well that would turn into a binge and then I would want to get it out of me and so I started the bulimia and then the laxatives. And on and on. As soon as I tell myself I "can't" have something, this mentality kicks in before I'm even aware of it. And when I find myself really craving that thing I've said I'm going to "never have again", then I realize what my mind is doing.

So, what have I learned from all this? All of those things really go together. It's all about using food to fill the gap. Comfort, zoning out, a little buzz, whatever. That's how I get my kicks. I think - now get ready for some real analysis here - it's because I have a fear of intimacy and the fat is a protective layer. Of course, it's a conundrum, because I also HATE the fat. I hate it on me. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it limits me. I hate the way it controls me. I hate that I succumb to it. And I hate that I let myself hate myself this way. Annnnnd, that's how I think it all relates to the childhood crap.

So. I KNOW this. But I can't seem to get a grip on it. Or, at least, I haven't been willing to try lately. Because I'm just done with dieting. I'm done with having it consume every minute of my day. I'm done with denying food and then wanting to binge on it. I'm done with obssessing (the black/white thinking thing) over fat grams, calories, carbs or whatever thing they're going to think of next that you have to count. I'm DONE DIETING. Dieting has made me as fat as I am. Because I've lost and gained more - a gazillion times. I will NOT go that route. And, so, I stay away from those conversations. I understand the way my mind works and my issues with food addictions and eating disorders. I've tried to just accept me the way I am. But I want more. I know there's a healthy woman trapped inside this body. I'm just afraid. Afraid of getting into it all again. And I won't go there.

So, where does that leave me and why am I here?

My approach must be this: I want to make healthier choices. And what will be, will be. If I choose to eat healthy foods in moderate portions and go for regular walks and never lose an ounce of weight, then so be it. I don't really think that will happen, but my focus must be on changing my lifestyle, not on dieting. I'm in a place where I want to make a more conscious effort at this. I began making some postive changes last year and actually lost some weight that has stayed off. But, again, losing weight will not be my focus.

I love that this class is named "Loving Yourself" in '09. And I love the format of the class and how it will be motivating, yet introspective. Because I don't think I have yet fully made the connection with why I do what I do. Or maybe I have and I'm just being lazy and making excuses. WhatEVER. I think the approach of an interactive journal with a good support system is a great way to go. And that's what I'm signing up for.

I've got my very plain (so far) journal notebook together. I think there are things that I'm going to want to do in there that I wouldn't do here. But, I'm planning on blogging my way through, too. And posting my photos here as well as internet resources. And links to my support system - YOU! I think this is a great way to go, for me.

Wow. If you read this far, then God BLESS ya! And thanks. Now you know where I'm coming from and, just as I've read your stories, I think it helps us all to support one another when we know where we've been, where we're at and where we're going.

I'm looking forward to going there with all of you...